Happier Times

When I was younger, I was happier...or at least I remember being happier.
It's funny how you're life ends up completely different then you planned.
It's funny how you think the people that are your closest friends forget about you all together.
It's funny when you build up such a thick skin that you don't let anyone in.

Trust, doesn't come easily to me.
Everything I say, or do, is superficial.
A smile.
A gossip.
But when I get to these moments I realize how dead I feel.

I've been searching for so long and I still can't find the feeling I once had.
I just want to feel alive.

I want to jump off the highest cliff and feel weightless and scared at the same time.

The other day, I had my first one night stand.
I was higher than high.

The little girl inside of me was shocked.
I remember saying, "Smoking is gross and drinking is bad."
Here I am, ten years later, doing everything I didn't set out to do.

I feel so lost.
In sixth grade I made it into SMMCS and was happier than I ever thought I could be.
I knew what I wanted.
I loved music and wanted to sing for the rest of my life.
Life got in the way, and I had to leave.
Now, I'm 18, in college and every decision I make leads me further from the future I always wanted.

I remember knowing I wanted to go to Juilliard.
Knowing that I wanted to spend the rest of my life singing.

Now, I don't know what I want.
I never know what I want.