Happier Times

When I was younger, I was happier...or at least I remember being happier.
It's funny how you're life ends up completely different then you planned.
It's funny how you think the people that are your closest friends forget about you all together.
It's funny when you build up such a thick skin that you don't let anyone in.

Trust, doesn't come easily to me.
Everything I say, or do, is superficial.
A smile.
A gossip.
But when I get to these moments I realize how dead I feel.

I've been searching for so long and I still can't find the feeling I once had.
I just want to feel alive.

I want to jump off the highest cliff and feel weightless and scared at the same time.

The other day, I had my first one night stand.
I was higher than high.

The little girl inside of me was shocked.
I remember saying, "Smoking is gross and drinking is bad."
Here I am, ten years later, doing everything I didn't set out to do.

I feel so lost.
In sixth grade I made it into SMMCS and was happier than I ever thought I could be.
I knew what I wanted.
I loved music and wanted to sing for the rest of my life.
Life got in the way, and I had to leave.
Now, I'm 18, in college and every decision I make leads me further from the future I always wanted.

I remember knowing I wanted to go to Juilliard.
Knowing that I wanted to spend the rest of my life singing.

Now, I don't know what I want.
I never know what I want.

Noticing

Today I was sitting in my freshman biology class at USF and I began to look around.
I saw all these faces and it made me realize that we each have a story.
Granted, this is an obvious statement, but it's something we don't really think about.

In that class there might be people that are depressed, crazy, nerdy, loose, and etcetera.
We all have these labels but what we don't realize is how each and every one of us is capable of becoming or being one of these things.
Soon the girl on top will hit rock bottom, and you won't see it coming.
Life isn't as perfect as it seems.

What is the point of this post?
I'm here to ask you to become more self aware.
Look around you and realize that the girl who might be "annoying" has a story.
The guy who's a total "asshole" has many reasons for why he is this way.
We are all capable of being hated and loved.
But we should all learn to love each other.
That's the point, right?
I mean, we don't have to believe in God, believe in what others say, believe anything, we just have to believe and trust each other.
Listen to opinions and value them.
Gain a wider perspective of the world.

Realize that you might be sitting next to someone who's been feeling lonely and lost.
Someone who has no one.
Their independence is something you're jealous of, but they would give it up to be surrounded by a smile, a love, someone to hold.

I realized today that I might be surrounded by 150 of the loneliest people.
We are all amazing actors.
I realized that I might be surrounded by homesickness.
It's amazing what realizing can bring.


I realized today that I need to become a better person.
I've been cruel for the past 18 years of my life.
There have been moments of happiness, faithfulness, and selflessness, but that's not enough.
Everyday, I want to make someone's day brighter.

So do me a favor and join me.
Smile at that stranger.
If they give you a weird look, IT'S OK.
If they give you one back, we've just made the world a better place.
:)